Thursday, November 8, 2012

Because You're Worth It

From Kensie Kate

Well I'm a little off my mark of writing 3 posts a week. Maybe my goal was a little lofty. Or maybe I'm just lazy. Either way I figured I would at least get one more post before I pass the week mark. I'll work on improving since I'm sure you all are just dying to hear from me.

For the past couple of months I have been learning a lot about what it means to have self worth. I have never thought of myself as someone who has extreme self esteem issues Just the normal woman stuff. (Which really isn't and shouldn't be normal, but that's another post altogether.) But a little while ago I had a breakthrough. I realized that I defined my worth by what others thought of me. And not 'others' in the sense of everyone in the world. 'Others' meant those closest to me. Those who saw me at my most intimate and vulnerable. And it was then that I realized that my confidence, though seemingly there, was false. It was volatile and extremely fragile. And it was affecting how I lived.

In my quest for vulnerability, I came across this post. (You will likely be seeing a lot of links to this blog. Like I said. Obsessed.) I, like her, have had the benefit of being taught from a young age that I am of infinite worth. I had parents who taught me that I was talented and had great potential. In church, we would discuss frequently that each person is incredibly important to God. I thought I believed this. I knew it was true but I didn't truly feel it. It was (and still is sometimes) this distant concept that I knew should apply to me but I just never applied it. (I'm not sure how much sense that makes.) So I decided to write out my mantras. I so wanted a new belief system. Here's what I came up with:

1) I am a daughter of God who loves me no matter what.
2) My mistakes do not diminish my worth. A 20 dollar bill, though torn and tattered, is still worth 20 dollars. (This I got from this talk by Dieter F Uchtdorf, a leader in my church.)
3) I am worthy of love.
4) I can and will do hard things. (This is something I struggle with but, again, another day.)
5) It's okay to fail. It's not okay to not try.
6) Vulnerability is strength, not weakness.
7) Be Janessa. (Borrowed from The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it.)
8) I am in charge of my happiness.

The strength that I gained just from writing these out was incredible. I have felt my confidence grow a ton in these past few months. I have been able to see how recognizing and believing and feeling my worth can lend strength and clarity to so many areas of my life. I'm still learning but this was a huge step in the right direction for me.

Now on to the gratitude journal. (I had completely forgotten about this part of the process. Better get on it. November is a great time to start I would say.)

Grateful for: My little sister. She is seriously the best lil sis I could ask for.

By the way, I would love to hear your mantras (if you feel comfortable sharing, that is.) Please!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

A Beginning

I have been thinking about this for weeks. Actually dreading might be a better word. The idea of blogging is exciting at times (mostly the times when I am not actually sitting here typing) but I have to confess that I am terrified. I wanted to sit down and plan out a few weeks of posts to make myself feel better. But my best friend (and by best friend, I mean boyfriend) said that I am completely missing the point.  He was right, but now you're left with disorganized babbling and rambling. Don't worry. I'm hoping it will get better.

Let's start at the beginning because, as a singing nun once said, its a very good place to start. A great friend of mine showed by this blog. I became slightly obsessed with this woman (not in a creepy way, I swear.) I was inspired by her openness and her courage to let everyone into her personal life. And not just friends and family, mind you, everyone on the internet! She shared not only her happiness but also her pain and insecurities. I admired her strength and I knew I wanted (and needed) to be more open. Then I saw this video posted  in one of the entries:

I was hooked. I wanted to tap into creativity, to innovation. I wanted to be courageous and real. But most of all, I wanted to be me. And not someone's unattainable expectation of me. Not even my own perception of what I thought I should be. It just sounded so liberating to actually be me. To really and truly be seen, as she says. Is this a novel concept? Probably not. Should I have learned this a long time ago? Most definitely. But for one reason or another I didn't. So here I am, a quarter century old embarking on a journey of... at the risk of sounding super cliche... self-discovery. Super stoked. Super nervous. Super terrified (but I'm pretty sure I mentioned that).

I'm hoping I'm not alone in this. I hope I'm not the only one who finds themselves thinking "I should really read more nonfiction" as I reach for yet another Rick Riordan novel. But even if I am, that's the whole point of this, right? To become ok with who we really are. Actually, to LOVE who we really are.

So here's learning who I am, learning to love it, and being seen.  Here's to leaning into the discomfort.